Monday, August 29, 2011

The race has begun.....

     As you know, school has started up and college classes have begun! Life now becomes one GIANT race. A race to school, to class, to get homework done (Mine and the kids!), to speech therapy, to volleyball practices and games, to get dinner done before I leave for class....... . One BIG race!! I've always considered myself a strong person, I have been through so much in my life and sometimes the mere fact that I am still breathing makes me appreciate my strength.....BUT, when things are this hectic and hurried, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of "to do" lists! I can feel the pressure on my chest to the point that it is hard to breathe! I guess a bunch of "little things" aren't so bad, but they can pile up,  and when combined with the "BIG things"- the important things in life, it becomes unbearable at times. I won't get into the larger issues I have to deal with  every single day of my life, but I know every mother (and yes, those single Dads that are out there as well!) can relate to this race we have all just begun! The countdown to Christmas break is on!!

     On a positive note, even though it is going to be a hectic semester, I think it will be a good one! I have finally arrived to the part of my "career" as a student where ALL my classes are relevant to my major. So far, they seem really interesting and I am excited about learning! After this semester I have 2 more semesters of classes and then one semester of an internship! After that, I will be going on to get my Master's degree, which will take 2 more semesters. I went back to college (Jan 2010), on an IMPULSE (if you can believe!), and this is one of the rare times that being impulsive has paid off! When I think about how far I have come, I can honestly say I am PROUD of myself. There is not a whole lot in my life that I can say that about, but I am proud of overcoming my weakness in math (if you can call it was more like I was "illiterate" in math-if there was such a thing!) and conquering it despite my fears and past failures! I have heard it said that being brave is not about being without fear, but rather being afraid and doing it anyway! Whatever you feel has held you back in life, look it right in the eye and conquer it! Begin to speak positively to yourself (most importantly!)  and about yourself and it will change your life!
..........well, I just heard the starting bell for the day and the race is now on!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Fear of Failure.

    "Living your life terrified of failure and fearful of being a disappointment to the ones you love, is not living at all."  

    Years ago, my Daddy bought me a key chain that he said reminded him of me. "Go-4-it". I supposed I have always "gone for it"....but rarely without weighing the consequences it would have on others. On the surface, I live my life "care free", but deep within there has been that fear that I am going to "mess up" beyond repair. That I will finally disappoint the people I deeply love to the point that they will no longer love me back. Through the years (and through countless college psychology courses!) I have tried to find out what this fear stems from. I've got plenty of "theories".....but I still haven't found a way to correct the issue. 
    In one of my religion classes, back in the day at "Southeastern", I read a book about how individuals view God differently. The book suggested that we each view God the way we view our "authority figures"-mainly earthly fathers and often mothers. If a person has a loving relationship with their mother/father, if they feel safe and supported, then odds are they will view God as a loving Father who protects and provides. What happens when a person grows up being mistreated or abused? They may view God as a dictator who is just waiting for them to "mess up" so He can strike them down! Honestly, that is how I used to view God....NOT because I came out of an abusive home (I didn't!)....but I think because the stress I put on myself to "preform" to a certain standard. I felt like if I didn't, then I would be "punished" by God.  Let me make one thing clear, THIS is not what I mean when I speak about my fear of disappointing people I love. That kind of fear is a fear of consequences, the kind of fear I feel is not a fear of punishment or anger, but a deep despair that I will lose the love and approval of  the people I care about.
      Here is an example, in May, I went on a cruise. I had just completed my first college degree and I was in crisis-with my marriage and with my family. Up until I left for my cruise, I had been able to "keep it together" fairly well, but only because I HAD to, so I could finish my degree! Once I stepped foot on that ship, I felt an immediate decompression to the point where I could literally feel the pressure release in my BODY. That week, I let "loose". I never drank a drop of alcohol, but got accused of being wasted everywhere I went-THAT is how much I let loose! :) I had so much fun and I left my worries on the shore!  One night, when the waiters/waitresses were preforming (as they did every night at dinner), our waiter asked me to come up and dance with all the waiters/waitresses. I did (after motto is "go for it"!). I never touched anyone and it never crossed my mind that it could be considered inappropriate in any way...........but, after seeing the video on facebook, someone I deeply love was very disappointed in me. (BTW-it was NOT my husband! He saw the video and said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it.....and I honestly wouldn't have thought twice about doing it if my husband was sitting at the table with me!). It crushed me, devastated me that this person that I loved so deeply now viewed me in a different light....over something that was so "innocent" in my mind.  That is the kind of disappointment that I fear most.
     The problem with living with this fear that I have is that, no matter what I do, and no matter what I don't do, I am always going to find someone is disagrees with my choices.  So, sometimes, when you "GO-4-it!" you win...sometimes when you "Go-4-it", you lose.....and sometimes when you lose, you lose miserably. I am gonna make mistakes-it is a promise. I just need to learn to disassociate approval and love. I may not earn your "approval" when I make decisions (esp with my "go for it" attitude!), but I pray I never lose your love.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Good ole HARD work!

     My summer vacation is quickly coming to an end. I have sooooooo enjoyed the time off from school, but I am anxious to "get er done".  Working at getting my degree has been both rewarding and challenging! I love the feeling of accomplishment and PRIDE that comes with completing a task well. Working HARD at WHATEVER you do (school, housework, weight loss, ......) is the ONLY way you can experience the pride that comes along with the  reward. If things are handed to us, without having to put out an effort (.....a quick weight loss fix, better paying job, higher standard of living..) it doesn't come with the reward of a "job well done". Wanna know why soooooooo many (95% of dieters!!! According to stats) people gain their weight back (and then some!) after losing it?  Most (if not all!) of the time, it was lost using a fad diet, pills or some other "quick fix". Biology is partly to blame (you destroy your metabolism doing that stuff!) but I also think it is psychological. If you put "blood, sweat and tears" into something, you are more likely to appreciate it, cherish it and PROTECT it.  I lost my weight the old fashioned way..HARD work. And you better believe I plan on protecting my "reward" for the rest of my LIFE! I NEVER want to have to lose 90+ lbs again!!
         I feel the same way about getting my degree. It has COST me something. Time away from my family, looooooooong hours studying, stress, TEARS, the ability to "keep up" with household organization at times (All it takes is ONE semester for my closet to become a wreck!)........... . Thankfully, God (and the Good ole US of A!) has provided the finances to go to school, but I pay a price in many other areas of my life. My point is, HARD work is GOOD for us and contributes to our self worth. Honestly, I think many Americans have lost that drive to  WORK for something. We always want our problems fixed the quick and easy way. The faster we can get something, with the least amount of effort-the better! Example-credit card debt! How many people actually SAVE money for something they want any more?! Really!! They see something, they want it, they BUY it. They may (or may not) actually pay for it, and if they DO, they usually pay 3-4 times MORE than it was worth to begin with.
     Why have we become so lazy, so entitled!?   (Any thoughts?)

      My point of this post (which is NOTHING like what it started out being when I began!) is no matter WHAT you do, Do it WELL! Even the Bible says "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might; for there is no activity or planning or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol where you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10 (New American Standard version).
      If you are a young Mom- wiping a baby's dirty face, a housewife- mopping a filthy floor, a teacher-teaching our youth, a college student-preparing for your future, a receptionist-answering phone calls, a person-trying to become healthier and lose some weight.......Do it WELL, do it with ALL your might and I promise, not only will you will GREAT results, you will have the PRIDE that comes with a job well done!