Monday, April 23, 2012
TOLD you.....
Lord have mercy....I had NO idea what I was talking about when I said "the race has begun". This year has been insane!! Especially this past semester....the work load and intensity has tripled! Well, tonight is my LAST final for the semester....so tomorrow, I will be back in the real world and I will hopefully be able to keep up with all the things that have been neglected this past year. My closet is a MESS....actually, my whole room is a mess! I can not WAIT to get it organized! That is the first thing on my list....I will start tomorrow morning....but it may take a day or two to actually get it done! Then...there is this whole 20 lbs that I managed to pick up this school year. That is gonna be the next thing I tackle! Brett got me a gym membership (Shapes-$10 per month! How crazy is that!?), so I will be working hard on losing the weight. I want to lose at least 10 lbs......which I think is pretty realistic since 10 of those lbs that I gained were related to going off my migraine medication and my thyroid tumors. The remaining 10 lbs......were pure ice cream and overindulgence! :/ Anyhoo-I am so excited about finishing up the semester and I can hardly believe that I only have three more classes left to go. (well....4, if you count the one I am taking "just because") It has been a long journey and I still feel like I will wake up and realize that it was just a dream! I seriously do not know how I managed to come this far and keep a 4.0 average....only GOD, is all I can say! I told someone in class last week that my GPA does not reflect my actual intelligence (she looked at me like I was crazy and acted as though I was displaying false humility).......but it is definitely the way that I feel. Maybe I need more confidence in myself.....or maybe I should stay exactly the way I am.....I guess it makes me work that much HARDER, thinking that I am not capable of doing what I am managing to do. hmmmm........
Monday, August 29, 2011
The race has begun.....
As you know, school has started up and college classes have begun! Life now becomes one GIANT race. A race to school, to class, to get homework done (Mine and the kids!), to speech therapy, to volleyball practices and games, to get dinner done before I leave for class....... . One BIG race!! I've always considered myself a strong person, I have been through so much in my life and sometimes the mere fact that I am still breathing makes me appreciate my strength.....BUT, when things are this hectic and hurried, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of "to do" lists! I can feel the pressure on my chest to the point that it is hard to breathe! I guess a bunch of "little things" aren't so bad, but they can pile up, and when combined with the "BIG things"- the important things in life, it becomes unbearable at times. I won't get into the larger issues I have to deal with every single day of my life, but I know every mother (and yes, those single Dads that are out there as well!) can relate to this race we have all just begun! The countdown to Christmas break is on!!
On a positive note, even though it is going to be a hectic semester, I think it will be a good one! I have finally arrived to the part of my "career" as a student where ALL my classes are relevant to my major. So far, they seem really interesting and I am excited about learning! After this semester I have 2 more semesters of classes and then one semester of an internship! After that, I will be going on to get my Master's degree, which will take 2 more semesters. I went back to college (Jan 2010), on an IMPULSE (if you can believe!), and this is one of the rare times that being impulsive has paid off! When I think about how far I have come, I can honestly say I am PROUD of myself. There is not a whole lot in my life that I can say that about, but I am proud of overcoming my weakness in math (if you can call it that....it was more like I was "illiterate" in math-if there was such a thing!) and conquering it despite my fears and past failures! I have heard it said that being brave is not about being without fear, but rather being afraid and doing it anyway! Whatever you feel has held you back in life, look it right in the eye and conquer it! Begin to speak positively to yourself (most importantly!) and about yourself and it will change your life!
..........well, I just heard the starting bell for the day and the race is now on!
On a positive note, even though it is going to be a hectic semester, I think it will be a good one! I have finally arrived to the part of my "career" as a student where ALL my classes are relevant to my major. So far, they seem really interesting and I am excited about learning! After this semester I have 2 more semesters of classes and then one semester of an internship! After that, I will be going on to get my Master's degree, which will take 2 more semesters. I went back to college (Jan 2010), on an IMPULSE (if you can believe!), and this is one of the rare times that being impulsive has paid off! When I think about how far I have come, I can honestly say I am PROUD of myself. There is not a whole lot in my life that I can say that about, but I am proud of overcoming my weakness in math (if you can call it that....it was more like I was "illiterate" in math-if there was such a thing!) and conquering it despite my fears and past failures! I have heard it said that being brave is not about being without fear, but rather being afraid and doing it anyway! Whatever you feel has held you back in life, look it right in the eye and conquer it! Begin to speak positively to yourself (most importantly!) and about yourself and it will change your life!
..........well, I just heard the starting bell for the day and the race is now on!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Fear of Failure.
"Living your life terrified of failure and fearful of being a disappointment to the ones you love, is not living at all."
Years ago, my Daddy bought me a key chain that he said reminded him of me. "Go-4-it". I supposed I have always "gone for it"....but rarely without weighing the consequences it would have on others. On the surface, I live my life "care free", but deep within there has been that fear that I am going to "mess up" beyond repair. That I will finally disappoint the people I deeply love to the point that they will no longer love me back. Through the years (and through countless college psychology courses!) I have tried to find out what this fear stems from. I've got plenty of "theories".....but I still haven't found a way to correct the issue.
In one of my religion classes, back in the day at "Southeastern", I read a book about how individuals view God differently. The book suggested that we each view God the way we view our "authority figures"-mainly earthly fathers and often mothers. If a person has a loving relationship with their mother/father, if they feel safe and supported, then odds are they will view God as a loving Father who protects and provides. What happens when a person grows up being mistreated or abused? They may view God as a dictator who is just waiting for them to "mess up" so He can strike them down! Honestly, that is how I used to view God....NOT because I came out of an abusive home (I didn't!)....but I think because the stress I put on myself to "preform" to a certain standard. I felt like if I didn't, then I would be "punished" by God. Let me make one thing clear, THIS is not what I mean when I speak about my fear of disappointing people I love. That kind of fear is a fear of consequences, the kind of fear I feel is not a fear of punishment or anger, but a deep despair that I will lose the love and approval of the people I care about.
Here is an example, in May, I went on a cruise. I had just completed my first college degree and I was in crisis-with my marriage and with my family. Up until I left for my cruise, I had been able to "keep it together" fairly well, but only because I HAD to, so I could finish my degree! Once I stepped foot on that ship, I felt an immediate decompression to the point where I could literally feel the pressure release in my BODY. That week, I let "loose". I never drank a drop of alcohol, but got accused of being wasted everywhere I went-THAT is how much I let loose! :) I had so much fun and I left my worries on the shore! One night, when the waiters/waitresses were preforming (as they did every night at dinner), our waiter asked me to come up and dance with all the waiters/waitresses. I did (after all...my motto is "go for it"!). I never touched anyone and it never crossed my mind that it could be considered inappropriate in any way...........but, after seeing the video on facebook, someone I deeply love was very disappointed in me. (BTW-it was NOT my husband! He saw the video and said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it.....and I honestly wouldn't have thought twice about doing it if my husband was sitting at the table with me!). It crushed me, devastated me that this person that I loved so deeply now viewed me in a different light....over something that was so "innocent" in my mind. That is the kind of disappointment that I fear most.
The problem with living with this fear that I have is that, no matter what I do, and no matter what I don't do, I am always going to find someone is disagrees with my choices. So, sometimes, when you "GO-4-it!" you win...sometimes when you "Go-4-it", you lose.....and sometimes when you lose, you lose miserably. I am gonna make mistakes-it is a promise. I just need to learn to disassociate approval and love. I may not earn your "approval" when I make decisions (esp with my "go for it" attitude!), but I pray I never lose your love.
In one of my religion classes, back in the day at "Southeastern", I read a book about how individuals view God differently. The book suggested that we each view God the way we view our "authority figures"-mainly earthly fathers and often mothers. If a person has a loving relationship with their mother/father, if they feel safe and supported, then odds are they will view God as a loving Father who protects and provides. What happens when a person grows up being mistreated or abused? They may view God as a dictator who is just waiting for them to "mess up" so He can strike them down! Honestly, that is how I used to view God....NOT because I came out of an abusive home (I didn't!)....but I think because the stress I put on myself to "preform" to a certain standard. I felt like if I didn't, then I would be "punished" by God. Let me make one thing clear, THIS is not what I mean when I speak about my fear of disappointing people I love. That kind of fear is a fear of consequences, the kind of fear I feel is not a fear of punishment or anger, but a deep despair that I will lose the love and approval of the people I care about.
Here is an example, in May, I went on a cruise. I had just completed my first college degree and I was in crisis-with my marriage and with my family. Up until I left for my cruise, I had been able to "keep it together" fairly well, but only because I HAD to, so I could finish my degree! Once I stepped foot on that ship, I felt an immediate decompression to the point where I could literally feel the pressure release in my BODY. That week, I let "loose". I never drank a drop of alcohol, but got accused of being wasted everywhere I went-THAT is how much I let loose! :) I had so much fun and I left my worries on the shore! One night, when the waiters/waitresses were preforming (as they did every night at dinner), our waiter asked me to come up and dance with all the waiters/waitresses. I did (after all...my motto is "go for it"!). I never touched anyone and it never crossed my mind that it could be considered inappropriate in any way...........but, after seeing the video on facebook, someone I deeply love was very disappointed in me. (BTW-it was NOT my husband! He saw the video and said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it.....and I honestly wouldn't have thought twice about doing it if my husband was sitting at the table with me!). It crushed me, devastated me that this person that I loved so deeply now viewed me in a different light....over something that was so "innocent" in my mind. That is the kind of disappointment that I fear most.
The problem with living with this fear that I have is that, no matter what I do, and no matter what I don't do, I am always going to find someone is disagrees with my choices. So, sometimes, when you "GO-4-it!" you win...sometimes when you "Go-4-it", you lose.....and sometimes when you lose, you lose miserably. I am gonna make mistakes-it is a promise. I just need to learn to disassociate approval and love. I may not earn your "approval" when I make decisions (esp with my "go for it" attitude!), but I pray I never lose your love.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Good ole HARD work!
My summer vacation is quickly coming to an end. I have sooooooo enjoyed the time off from school, but I am anxious to "get er done". Working at getting my degree has been both rewarding and challenging! I love the feeling of accomplishment and PRIDE that comes with completing a task well. Working HARD at WHATEVER you do (school, housework, weight loss, ......) is the ONLY way you can experience the pride that comes along with the reward. If things are handed to us, without having to put out an effort (.....a quick weight loss fix, better paying job, higher standard of living..) it doesn't come with the reward of a "job well done". Wanna know why soooooooo many (95% of dieters!!! According to stats) people gain their weight back (and then some!) after losing it? Most (if not all!) of the time, it was lost using a fad diet, pills or some other "quick fix". Biology is partly to blame (you destroy your metabolism doing that stuff!) but I also think it is psychological. If you put "blood, sweat and tears" into something, you are more likely to appreciate it, cherish it and PROTECT it. I lost my weight the old fashioned way..HARD work. And you better believe I plan on protecting my "reward" for the rest of my LIFE! I NEVER want to have to lose 90+ lbs again!!
I feel the same way about getting my degree. It has COST me something. Time away from my family, looooooooong hours studying, stress, TEARS, the ability to "keep up" with household organization at times (All it takes is ONE semester for my closet to become a wreck!)........... . Thankfully, God (and the Good ole US of A!) has provided the finances to go to school, but I pay a price in many other areas of my life. My point is, HARD work is GOOD for us and contributes to our self worth. Honestly, I think many Americans have lost that drive to WORK for something. We always want our problems fixed the quick and easy way. The faster we can get something, with the least amount of effort-the better! Example-credit card debt! How many people actually SAVE money for something they want any more?! Really!! They see something, they want it, they BUY it. They may (or may not) actually pay for it, and if they DO, they usually pay 3-4 times MORE than it was worth to begin with.
Why have we become so lazy, so entitled!? (Any thoughts?)
My point of this post (which is NOTHING like what it started out being when I began!) is no matter WHAT you do, Do it WELL! Even the Bible says "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might; for there is no activity or planning or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol where you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10 (New American Standard version).
If you are a young Mom- wiping a baby's dirty face, a housewife- mopping a filthy floor, a teacher-teaching our youth, a college student-preparing for your future, a receptionist-answering phone calls, a person-trying to become healthier and lose some weight.......Do it WELL, do it with ALL your might and I promise, not only will you will GREAT results, you will have the PRIDE that comes with a job well done!
I feel the same way about getting my degree. It has COST me something. Time away from my family, looooooooong hours studying, stress, TEARS, the ability to "keep up" with household organization at times (All it takes is ONE semester for my closet to become a wreck!)........... . Thankfully, God (and the Good ole US of A!) has provided the finances to go to school, but I pay a price in many other areas of my life. My point is, HARD work is GOOD for us and contributes to our self worth. Honestly, I think many Americans have lost that drive to WORK for something. We always want our problems fixed the quick and easy way. The faster we can get something, with the least amount of effort-the better! Example-credit card debt! How many people actually SAVE money for something they want any more?! Really!! They see something, they want it, they BUY it. They may (or may not) actually pay for it, and if they DO, they usually pay 3-4 times MORE than it was worth to begin with.
Why have we become so lazy, so entitled!? (Any thoughts?)
My point of this post (which is NOTHING like what it started out being when I began!) is no matter WHAT you do, Do it WELL! Even the Bible says "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might; for there is no activity or planning or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol where you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10 (New American Standard version).
If you are a young Mom- wiping a baby's dirty face, a housewife- mopping a filthy floor, a teacher-teaching our youth, a college student-preparing for your future, a receptionist-answering phone calls, a person-trying to become healthier and lose some weight.......Do it WELL, do it with ALL your might and I promise, not only will you will GREAT results, you will have the PRIDE that comes with a job well done!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Worries........
When the people I love hurt, I feel their pain just as deeply. When they are in need, I feel the hurt of want just as strongly. Years ago, when I was pregnant with Brooke, I had some minor complications. I remember crying out to God, so fearful that I would lose her....but God spoke to my heart and reminded me that there would be MANY moments in her life that I would need to trust HIM for her well being. I thought about the first time she would fall and scrape her knee, or the pain of her first broken heart.....and I realized that I would go CRAZY if I allowed myself to worry! I placed Brooke in God's hands that night.....and every night since. If I had not learned that lesson when I did, I surely would have lost my mind when, two yrs later, Madeline Marie came along! She survived a hemorrhage in her brain, a tethered spinal cord and a kidney disorder...within her first year of life!
It is so hard to be a parent. How do you know when to buckle down and be stricter....or let go of the reins? There truly is a delicate balance. "Pick your battles"...that has always been my motto. But sometimes I honestly don't know which battles are most important! Music, clothes, friends, boys.......! Raising kids is hard....raising teens is harder! And lest we forget about Spencer! I was sharing my concerns for Spencer's future with my cousin, Angie, one day. About midway through my "What about college? How will he ever get a good job?" speech, she stopped me and said "REALLY Sha? Are you really already worried about his college education!?". My answer? "YES!" My hope...my prayer, for all my children is that they will #1-grow up knowing Christ and #2 that they will be truly happy! God has a plan for each one of them....including Spencer.
The Bible tells us to "cast our cares" on HIM. I am learning to do this....but I have sooooo much farther to go before I can honestly say that I do that! There is a scripture that God gave me one particular day a few years ago. It was before my back surgery and I was living in the worst kind of pain you can imagine! I had a photo shoot scheduled for that night and I could barely WALK! I tried to buy groceries that day, but I had to leave the store empty handed because of the pain! I remember driving home from the store that day, crying because I felt so "useless". I felt like there was no sense in my living if I could not even buy groceries! God spoke to my heart this verse : "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). Then He spoke the verse "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6). With those two verses, he showed me that he was well aware of my circumstances and yet He STILL had a plan for my life! That whole day I just kept speaking those verses out loud! Literally, 100 or more times that day I repeated them.....hoping they would get into my spirit! The next morning, I went to a meeting for young Moms, where I was displaying my photography and handing out business cards. At this meeting the moms made a craft.....it was some type of frame and they passed around sheets of paper with two verses printed on each page-so they could choose a verse to put inside the frame. When they handed me the stack of papers I just took the one off the top....would you believe, out of ALL the scriptures in the Bible, the two that were printed on MY page were Jer 29:11 and Phil 1:6?!! I busted out in tears!! I was amazed by God's love for ME! Think about it for a second, we KNOW "God loves us"....but do we really believe He loves US?! "Little ole" US? He loved me enough to show me, through His word , that He had not forgotten about me. BTW-out of curiosity, I asked the ladies at my table what verses they got, NONE of them had the same paper that I received. Each paper had different verses on them!
I really have NO idea how I managed to ramble on to this point....I started this post concerned about my "baby brother"....and ended up here! Never the less, I am learning not to worry, learning to give each of my loved ones over to God and trust HIM to take care of them. They may not always make the choices they should, but I have to believe that, in the end, all will be well. I am going to try to do the best I can raising the children God entrusted to my care, to love the people He has placed in my life and trust that He will be faithful to carry them through. He knows the plans He has for them...to give them a hope and a future.
It is so hard to be a parent. How do you know when to buckle down and be stricter....or let go of the reins? There truly is a delicate balance. "Pick your battles"...that has always been my motto. But sometimes I honestly don't know which battles are most important! Music, clothes, friends, boys.......! Raising kids is hard....raising teens is harder! And lest we forget about Spencer! I was sharing my concerns for Spencer's future with my cousin, Angie, one day. About midway through my "What about college? How will he ever get a good job?" speech, she stopped me and said "REALLY Sha? Are you really already worried about his college education!?". My answer? "YES!" My hope...my prayer, for all my children is that they will #1-grow up knowing Christ and #2 that they will be truly happy! God has a plan for each one of them....including Spencer.
The Bible tells us to "cast our cares" on HIM. I am learning to do this....but I have sooooo much farther to go before I can honestly say that I do that! There is a scripture that God gave me one particular day a few years ago. It was before my back surgery and I was living in the worst kind of pain you can imagine! I had a photo shoot scheduled for that night and I could barely WALK! I tried to buy groceries that day, but I had to leave the store empty handed because of the pain! I remember driving home from the store that day, crying because I felt so "useless". I felt like there was no sense in my living if I could not even buy groceries! God spoke to my heart this verse : "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). Then He spoke the verse "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6). With those two verses, he showed me that he was well aware of my circumstances and yet He STILL had a plan for my life! That whole day I just kept speaking those verses out loud! Literally, 100 or more times that day I repeated them.....hoping they would get into my spirit! The next morning, I went to a meeting for young Moms, where I was displaying my photography and handing out business cards. At this meeting the moms made a craft.....it was some type of frame and they passed around sheets of paper with two verses printed on each page-so they could choose a verse to put inside the frame. When they handed me the stack of papers I just took the one off the top....would you believe, out of ALL the scriptures in the Bible, the two that were printed on MY page were Jer 29:11 and Phil 1:6?!! I busted out in tears!! I was amazed by God's love for ME! Think about it for a second, we KNOW "God loves us"....but do we really believe He loves US?! "Little ole" US? He loved me enough to show me, through His word , that He had not forgotten about me. BTW-out of curiosity, I asked the ladies at my table what verses they got, NONE of them had the same paper that I received. Each paper had different verses on them!
I really have NO idea how I managed to ramble on to this point....I started this post concerned about my "baby brother"....and ended up here! Never the less, I am learning not to worry, learning to give each of my loved ones over to God and trust HIM to take care of them. They may not always make the choices they should, but I have to believe that, in the end, all will be well. I am going to try to do the best I can raising the children God entrusted to my care, to love the people He has placed in my life and trust that He will be faithful to carry them through. He knows the plans He has for them...to give them a hope and a future.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Back to blogger world.....
It has been at least two years since I have blogged! My first blog morphed into something that it was not first meant to be...it went from a "family, story of my day, watch my kids grow" kind of blog to a "money saving machine" blog. I got overwhelmed and felt under appreciated for all the work I put into helping other people learn the concept of saving money, so I just "quit". My second blog documented the surgeries I had nearly two yrs ago, and it was open by "invitation only" because of the graphic pictures and personal nature of the blog. So, this is a fresh, "brand spankin' new" blog that I have created to be an outlet for my MANY emotions, as well as a tool to keep family/friends up to date with my "drama"...aka life!
Honestly, this blog more about having my own "space"....my OWN personal space in this world, that is truly JUST my own! Sometimes it feels like I have NOTHING of my own...I don't have my own car-which I was recently reminded of yet AGAIN, when a important receipt got thrown out because I left it in the console....ok, it wasn't really THAT important, but it DID have $5.00 worth of CVS money on it! (This has happened countless times...last time it was a important phone number.) Anyhoo...I recently bought a small desk for $20 off of craigslist...for a day or so it kind of felt like I had a "space" of my own...but it didn't take long before it was being rummaged through when someone needed a pencil or paper or couldn't find something! I just need a space, a teeny tiny space, that is all my own! So, I guess "cyber space" is better than NO space...right? Does that make me selfish? I long ago discovered the reason why I LOVE long, hot baths so much! It isn't because they are relaxing (although they ARE!), it is because-for at least the time I am in there, THAT space is ALL mine. I can be alone with my thoughts (as long as I turn on "white noise" to drown out the noise of a TV/radio/..... that can be heard, with clarity, through paper thin walls!) I know I must sound like one of those horrible mothers who can't stand her own family....nothing could be further from the truth. I am human, a woman, a person who has sacrificed a lot for the needs of my family-which is why, right now, I am willing to settle for a space only as big as this page.
My classes start back up in less than 4 weeks (YIKES!) and I am NOT ready to go back!! I have enjoyed being able to relax and not stress over something that will be "due" soon....other than BILLS, of course! I don't know how much time I will be able to dedicate to my new found "space" but I hope that I will make it a priority, even if I don't have a single reader....
Honestly, this blog more about having my own "space"....my OWN personal space in this world, that is truly JUST my own! Sometimes it feels like I have NOTHING of my own...I don't have my own car-which I was recently reminded of yet AGAIN, when a important receipt got thrown out because I left it in the console....ok, it wasn't really THAT important, but it DID have $5.00 worth of CVS money on it! (This has happened countless times...last time it was a important phone number.) Anyhoo...I recently bought a small desk for $20 off of craigslist...for a day or so it kind of felt like I had a "space" of my own...but it didn't take long before it was being rummaged through when someone needed a pencil or paper or couldn't find something! I just need a space, a teeny tiny space, that is all my own! So, I guess "cyber space" is better than NO space...right? Does that make me selfish? I long ago discovered the reason why I LOVE long, hot baths so much! It isn't because they are relaxing (although they ARE!), it is because-for at least the time I am in there, THAT space is ALL mine. I can be alone with my thoughts (as long as I turn on "white noise" to drown out the noise of a TV/radio/..... that can be heard, with clarity, through paper thin walls!) I know I must sound like one of those horrible mothers who can't stand her own family....nothing could be further from the truth. I am human, a woman, a person who has sacrificed a lot for the needs of my family-which is why, right now, I am willing to settle for a space only as big as this page.
My classes start back up in less than 4 weeks (YIKES!) and I am NOT ready to go back!! I have enjoyed being able to relax and not stress over something that will be "due" soon....other than BILLS, of course! I don't know how much time I will be able to dedicate to my new found "space" but I hope that I will make it a priority, even if I don't have a single reader....
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